freedomtolive

It’s just one of those things.  You go to a birthday party, you smile, you take pictures, then you actually VIEW them.  WO!!  Double take.  What the ?????  Do I really look like that? Maybe it was a bad picture of me.  But they are ALL bad!!!  I look so much larger than the image that I see in the mirror or that I conjure up in my head.  But, I can feel the weight.   My steps are not as quick.  My legs don’t go as high.  I feel sluggish.  I don’t feel light and breezy.  

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will start my exercising over again. Maybe even right now. 

These moments are not always the happiest in our lives, but I know that we can take them and use them to help up change.  A wake up call, a slap in the face, whatever you want to call it. 

Have a great night. 

My father in law passed away last Friday.  I attended his services Monday- Wednesday. They were so lovely and so beautiful.  I will miss him so much.  He had some health problems.  Too much smoking, drinking, and not eating right.  He seemed healthy despite these factors until about 2.5 years ago.  He started getting sick and losing lots of weight.  He was never the same.  He was diabetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol.  Tons of meds.  By the time he started trying to walk, it was too late, he could barely make it across the street without being dizzy and exhausted.  I don’t want to be that way.  I am so glad that I quit smoking and I am so glad that I am not a drinker.  I can and will continue to exercise and I eat better than I used to, but still not good enough. I am no longer a fried foods girl but I still like my sweets.  I do have a coffee addiction and I drink WAY too little water.  Water, water, water.  Why can’t I love water??  I refuse to drink it from the tap.  I fill my water from the machine at the grocery store.  It is less chemically.  But then I am too lazy to wait while the water gulps and bubbles out of the dispenser so I make a cup of coffee.  I just can’t see standing and waiting for water, but it is okay to wait for coffee.  If I buy small bottled waters I will drink them to death though. 

I am still working on being nicer to myself and on loving myself. I think that this is helping me in the long run because I am finally starting to lose some of this quit smoking weight.  5 out of the 15 quit smoking pounds are gone, then I get to work on my before quit smoking pounds, lol. 

Today I was in the dressing room trying on clothes.  As I was looking at myself in the mirror, I just kept thinking that if I had not gained these 10 pounds in the past few months, that I would look so much better in cloths.  Funny thing is,  a few months ago, I looked in the mirror and I swore that I looked better 10 plus pounds ago than I did in my new figure.  Hmmmmm, self image problem? 

I have just a few days to lose a few pounds.  Yesterday I got on the scale and it finally hit 185.  That would put me at a 5 pound loss.  That was at night.  But, we had a death in the family yesterday so I had wine, then today I did not get my walk in, I had a HUGE glass of sweet tea, a coke, a bowl of ice cream, plus my meals.  Tonight, my weight was back up to 190.   I’m a fluctuator right now, but I know that soon that 185 will be sticking and I will be going between 180 and 185 instead of 185 and 190. 

I am going to do this!!  Water???  Where the water?? 

I have been pounding the pavement this week.   Baby is put into the jogging stroller and mama starts pushing, uphills and downhills and so thankful for the occasional flat spot.  I’m kicking my own ass in a very loving way.

You see, that was the problem.  I stopped loving myself.  I stopped being kind to myself.  And then when I was trying to love myself and I quit smoking, I started hating myself for gaining weight.  But I realized the other day that this is not about me, it is about my body and being kind to my body.  My body works day in and day out, fighting off sickness, trying to reverse the bad things that I do to myself, trying to keep me healthy and alive.  And I have continuously put bad things into my body, hated my body, despised my body, and hurt my body.  And my body has still fought for me.  So, when I quit smoking and Igained these 15 pounds, my body really did not mind.  It was just so thankful that I quit smoking and that my lungs could breath and that it could stop focussing on lung health and move to others areas.  I’m so sorry for what I have done to my body.  It has been so good to me.  I am not going to punish myself for this small weight loss, I am going to focus on overall health.

I am working on improving what I put into myself, how much of it I put in, and what I do to help my body.  It really should not have to do it all by itself. 

This is not going to happen by itself. I am not going to just lose weight.  I was on for a few days, I am back off again.  My motivation is flickering.  I need to join a team.  How do I go about doing this?  I need a challenge. I need a push.  I need to be accountable.  I need help!!  

Yesterday I knew that I was going to be sore and I am!!   Sitting down and getting up are total reminders of my workout yesterday.  Walking and realizing how tired and heavy my legs feel is a reminder and my back and stomach tenderness is also a reminder.  Even lifting my arms today was a reminder of my workout yesterday.  I would say that was one terrific workout.  Sadly, today I have not worked out.  I have worked alot but no workout.  My baby woke up at 2 am puking and she threw up and had diarreah off and on all day.  My oldest stayed home from school today with a really bad headache.  I have cleaned all day, I even have under the stove and the inside of the oven clean.  =-)  I think that I have ate pretty well today.  Not too much, but I did have two of my favorite cookies.  They are really really yummy but really really bad for me.  At least I stopped at two, I have been known to eat all 12 in one day!! 

Tomorrow I have to walk!!!   I’m going to check the weather right now!!

The PAIN!!   I did my second workout of the day this evening.  I incorporated some muscles that I am sure that I have never ever used in my life.  My back is killing me.  My love handles are going to burn away for sure.  Unless of course I managed to sprain my back.   Walking up and down the stairs requires so much more effort than usual. My legs feel like they have 20 pound weights strapped to them.    Underneath all of these layers of fat, I actually have abdominal muscles.  I have never ever felt them in my motherhood life until today.  A few years back I was at the gym with a personal trainer and we were working on my abs, I felt the workout that day, but I did not feel the hard muscles underneath.  Kind of exciting.  Tomorrow I will probably be walking with a girlfriend.  I hope that I don’t wake up and feel like my muscles are splitting open and feel like I can’t move.   Today was not everything that I wanted, but I am pleased.  Today was better than yesterday and it was definitely better than the day before.  If I can just keep incorporating these small changes, eventually everything will fall into place. 

Of course, I weighed in this morning.  My obsession with the scale and it’s numbers is not as bad as it used to be, but I still have it.  187.  I’ve lost 3 pounds.  Either that, or the pounds were just period pounds. I am kind of thinking that is the case.  What’s sad is that if I lose the pounds after my period ends, I think of duh!! Period pounds, I didn’t really gain weight, but while I  am on my period, OMGosh!! I GAINED weight!!  Eternal damnation for me!!   Boy, I am such a dork.  I’m sure that journaling is going to be very helpful for me.  Hopefully, I can understand and acknowlegde my mood swings!! 

I’ve decided that I am going to incorporate a few small changes into my diet. 

Everyday this week:

50 knee to elbow side twists 4 times a day (I love these)

2 sets of 14 leg lunges (I hate these)

2 sets of 50 each ab crunches (need these)

2 sets of 5 pushups (can barely do these)

2- 5 minute sessions of stretching relaxation

10 cups of water and/or caffeine free non sweetened herbal tea a day

5- 10 minute walks.  (I am able to walk much further than this, but this is just for retraining purposes)

When possible, park further from destination and walk

walk at least 2 laps around soccer field per practice (4 days a week)

Eat a peice of fruit upon waking to jump start metabolism

Take my fish oil and daily vitamin everyday.

 All of this sounds simple enough to do as a starter.  Spring is here and I would like to also get outside several times a week and work in the yard, BUT that might not be possible until soccer is over. 

I just ate my morning orange.  I am going to do some of my exercises now!!

 I am seeing 185 just around the corner.  Perhaps by next Monday!! 

I have traveled on the weightloss path for several years.  In August of 2001 I began my journey at a weight of 268 pounds.  In December of 2004, I had reached a weight of 190 pounds.  I was very proud of myself.  I also was pregnant.  I worked very hard in this pregnancy to eat sensibly and to not gain my typical 65 pounds.  After the baby came out I was 230 pounds.  The weight shed quickly with breastfeeding and by the time baby was one year old I was 175 pounds.  Platuea.  I sat at 175 for over a year.  In December of 2007, I had a run in with a few margarita’s each night.  I quickly gained 10 pounds.  I jumped back on my weight loss wagon, got rid of the margarita obsession and lost those 10 pounds in a matter of 2 weeks.  I was so excited about making changes in my life that I decided to continue the changing process and to allow myself to have complete health.  On February 21, 2008, I quit smoking.  That morning I weighed in at 175 pounds.  For the past week, I have been weighing in at 190 pounds. 

Yesterday was that devestating day.  I was shoving food into my mouth like crazy and I was hating myself with each and every bite. Actually I hated myself before each and every bite and I despised myself and felt sorry for myself and I was doing what I do very well.  I was punishing myself. 

On my quit smoking journey, I learned something very interesting and that was that I smoked as a form of punishment.  Everything that I consciously do in life that is detremental to my mental and physical health, I do to punish myself.  And the funny thing is that I like myself!!  SO, naturally I have decided to stop punishing myself.  But yesterday, when I hated myself for gaining 15 pounds in 7 weeks and when I just wanted the weight to disappear immediately and it would not, I wanted to punish myself.  So I ate more!! 

I have been trying to be kind to myself throughout my smoking quit by telling myself that I can always lose the weight but I can’t lose lung cancer.   That worked well.  My extra pounds were kind of like pounds of honor.  Like stretch marks you get when you have a baby, but these were pounds that I got because I was a nonsmoker.  Being a nonsmoker is such a huge thing for me and it is something that I am proud of beyond words.  Becoming a nonsmoker has changed me as a person and I will never smoke again.  But, man after losing almost 100 pounds and then gaining back 15 in a matter of weeks, it sure is hard to not rethink my whole lifestyle.  I don’t mind the 15 pounds so much as the thought as continuing to gain.  It has to end.  And it has.  It ended today. 

 I get this feeling.  I woke up with it.  That everything is going to be okay, you are not going to stuff your face today and you are at peace with that.  You know when you have your own back.???  lol.  Today was a great day.  Today was the starting day.  I moved, I ate less. I bought 3 temporary outfits to feel pretty in until I can wear my normal cloths.  In fact, my stomach is hungry right now but since it is 3 am and I should be asleep, I am going to ignore it.   It’ll still be growling tomorrow so what difference does it make.  I LOVE that attitude. 

This will be my best weight loss journey ever!!  This time I am in this journey for freedom.  I do not want to be enslaved to nicotine or alcohol or food or anything else!!  I want to be free.  I want to be able to live life freely and without anything holding me back.  My weight definitely holds me back from being my true self.  I am much more comfortable with myself now than I used to be, but sometimes I still feel like I am the big one in the room and like I stand out in an odd way.  I don’t want to feel that way.  I want to feel like I am the beautiful dark haired girl in the room and I want to stand out because of that. 

I am very tired and I am sure that I have gone round in round in circles and I am not even going to correct this for mistakes.  3:30ish in the morning.  My bed is calling me.  The kids will probably be up by 8ish.   4 1/2 hours until I need to wake up.  I’m just so excited!!  I’ve missed this journey.  I’m happy to be traveling it again.  If anyone wants to travel it with me, I love “traveling” buddies!!