freedomtolive

I jumped straight off the eating better track and onto the stuff my face in almost a binge like manner track.  I’m not sure why I did this, self sabotage probably.  Well, I’m not staying on this self destructive track.   My goal for today is to not eat again until my stomach growls.  I’ve stuffed myself so much that past several days that it may take a while.

Well, when I woke up this AM, I did not just shove anything crunchy into my mouth just for oral stimulation.   For breakfast I had a half a bagel with peanut butter on it.  I was not planning to eat bread today but I had to eat something since I am nursing and I was running late for an appt.  Isn’t bread so convenient?!?!?!  After my appt, daughter and I went to Chic filet and I ordered the grilled chicken breast sandwich meal with fruit.  DD ate almost all the fruit.  I had 1 1/2 strawberries and and about 4 grapes.  We were splitting the sandwich.  (she usually only eats the bread and I wanted the chicken but she ended up eating almost all of the  chicken and none of the bread, lol.  So, I had about 1/4 of the peice of chicken and threw the rest away. Deciding that it was close to 2 pm and I had to eat something, I ate some pork rinds that were in the car.  Not a nutritional food, but I’m trying to justify it bying saying that it was not a carb.  I’m home now and I’d love to have a yogurt or something to round out my “meal” but I can’t have dairy because of the baby.   I might go see if I have some baby carrots to smear some peanut butter on.

I saw a nutritionist today and asked her how many calories I should be consuming if I am nursing but want to lose weight.  She would not give me a number because she said that I should not diet while nursing, just change the way that I am eating.   I am trying…….  today is a good start for me.

A few minutes ago it hit me that I should try to make it through the entire day tomorrow without a single cracker, piece of bread, chip, or cookie.  So, that is what I am going to try for.  I’ve found myself waking up at 4 am to feed the baby and I’ll grab a handful of cereal to munch on to keep me awake.  Maybe if I make this commitment I can start getting back on track and quit the mindless eating.  Hopefully by posting this, I will stick to it.  I’m getting excited.  I plan to log my food for the day tomorrow also.  I am SO going to lose this weight!!

Since my last post, I have gained almost 80 pounds.  Yes, I have gained 80 pounds.  The day after my last post, I found out that I was pregnant and that my mom had breast cancer again.  80 pounds and a baby later, I am ready to get started again.  My baby is four weeks old now.  I have lost about 30 of the pounds that I gained while pregnant.  I have 50 more to go.  Then, I can work on what needed to be worked on before.  The goods news.  I do not smoke anymore and I am the proud owner of a treadmill.  It’s still in the box, but I have one, lol.  DH just hasn’t put it together yet since I am not allowed to do anything for 2 more weeks.  I had to have an emergency c section and I am still healing.  I am going to start working on my food intake though.

My immediate goal is to change my eating habits.  I am nursing and the baby cannot tolerate me having dairy so that has been cut from my diet.  I am going to start grilling any meat that I eat and I am going to try to stop eating all of the processed crap that I have been having over the past several months.  I might make Saturday my processed foods day, lol.  I am going to start eating a large serving of vegetables with every meal.  I am also going to try to start eating foods that are not empty calories.  So brown rice instead of white.  Whole wheat instead of white.  10 glasses of water a day….. Any other suggestions are welcome.

It’s just one of those things.  You go to a birthday party, you smile, you take pictures, then you actually VIEW them.  WO!!  Double take.  What the ?????  Do I really look like that? Maybe it was a bad picture of me.  But they are ALL bad!!!  I look so much larger than the image that I see in the mirror or that I conjure up in my head.  But, I can feel the weight.   My steps are not as quick.  My legs don’t go as high.  I feel sluggish.  I don’t feel light and breezy.  

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will start my exercising over again. Maybe even right now. 

These moments are not always the happiest in our lives, but I know that we can take them and use them to help up change.  A wake up call, a slap in the face, whatever you want to call it. 

Have a great night. 

My father in law passed away last Friday.  I attended his services Monday- Wednesday. They were so lovely and so beautiful.  I will miss him so much.  He had some health problems.  Too much smoking, drinking, and not eating right.  He seemed healthy despite these factors until about 2.5 years ago.  He started getting sick and losing lots of weight.  He was never the same.  He was diabetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol.  Tons of meds.  By the time he started trying to walk, it was too late, he could barely make it across the street without being dizzy and exhausted.  I don’t want to be that way.  I am so glad that I quit smoking and I am so glad that I am not a drinker.  I can and will continue to exercise and I eat better than I used to, but still not good enough. I am no longer a fried foods girl but I still like my sweets.  I do have a coffee addiction and I drink WAY too little water.  Water, water, water.  Why can’t I love water??  I refuse to drink it from the tap.  I fill my water from the machine at the grocery store.  It is less chemically.  But then I am too lazy to wait while the water gulps and bubbles out of the dispenser so I make a cup of coffee.  I just can’t see standing and waiting for water, but it is okay to wait for coffee.  If I buy small bottled waters I will drink them to death though. 

I am still working on being nicer to myself and on loving myself. I think that this is helping me in the long run because I am finally starting to lose some of this quit smoking weight.  5 out of the 15 quit smoking pounds are gone, then I get to work on my before quit smoking pounds, lol. 

Today I was in the dressing room trying on clothes.  As I was looking at myself in the mirror, I just kept thinking that if I had not gained these 10 pounds in the past few months, that I would look so much better in cloths.  Funny thing is,  a few months ago, I looked in the mirror and I swore that I looked better 10 plus pounds ago than I did in my new figure.  Hmmmmm, self image problem? 

I have just a few days to lose a few pounds.  Yesterday I got on the scale and it finally hit 185.  That would put me at a 5 pound loss.  That was at night.  But, we had a death in the family yesterday so I had wine, then today I did not get my walk in, I had a HUGE glass of sweet tea, a coke, a bowl of ice cream, plus my meals.  Tonight, my weight was back up to 190.   I’m a fluctuator right now, but I know that soon that 185 will be sticking and I will be going between 180 and 185 instead of 185 and 190. 

I am going to do this!!  Water???  Where the water?? 

I have been pounding the pavement this week.   Baby is put into the jogging stroller and mama starts pushing, uphills and downhills and so thankful for the occasional flat spot.  I’m kicking my own ass in a very loving way.

You see, that was the problem.  I stopped loving myself.  I stopped being kind to myself.  And then when I was trying to love myself and I quit smoking, I started hating myself for gaining weight.  But I realized the other day that this is not about me, it is about my body and being kind to my body.  My body works day in and day out, fighting off sickness, trying to reverse the bad things that I do to myself, trying to keep me healthy and alive.  And I have continuously put bad things into my body, hated my body, despised my body, and hurt my body.  And my body has still fought for me.  So, when I quit smoking and Igained these 15 pounds, my body really did not mind.  It was just so thankful that I quit smoking and that my lungs could breath and that it could stop focussing on lung health and move to others areas.  I’m so sorry for what I have done to my body.  It has been so good to me.  I am not going to punish myself for this small weight loss, I am going to focus on overall health.

I am working on improving what I put into myself, how much of it I put in, and what I do to help my body.  It really should not have to do it all by itself. 

This is not going to happen by itself. I am not going to just lose weight.  I was on for a few days, I am back off again.  My motivation is flickering.  I need to join a team.  How do I go about doing this?  I need a challenge. I need a push.  I need to be accountable.  I need help!!  

Yesterday I knew that I was going to be sore and I am!!   Sitting down and getting up are total reminders of my workout yesterday.  Walking and realizing how tired and heavy my legs feel is a reminder and my back and stomach tenderness is also a reminder.  Even lifting my arms today was a reminder of my workout yesterday.  I would say that was one terrific workout.  Sadly, today I have not worked out.  I have worked alot but no workout.  My baby woke up at 2 am puking and she threw up and had diarreah off and on all day.  My oldest stayed home from school today with a really bad headache.  I have cleaned all day, I even have under the stove and the inside of the oven clean.  =-)  I think that I have ate pretty well today.  Not too much, but I did have two of my favorite cookies.  They are really really yummy but really really bad for me.  At least I stopped at two, I have been known to eat all 12 in one day!! 

Tomorrow I have to walk!!!   I’m going to check the weather right now!!